When You Can't Get the Staff Part 4
You scrape the bottom of a barrel at the bottom of a deep, deep hole, for a Nutjob
It’s Part 4. Sigh with relief and stop crying. It actually only gets more horrendous after this anyway!
My last dive into the staff of the LF P&E is to the very deepest part of the effluent that gathers at the bottom of the barrel. There, as well as frequently under Beryl’s desk or in the Gent’s talking to himself in the mirror like DeNiro’s Travis Bickle, only it sounds like a gerbil saying “you toking with me?”, is where I found Nutjob.
Nutjob. That’s the only name I ever gleaned from him. Self-chosen quite remarkably. The Lady Kathleen Fuckington’s errant and embarrassing nephew - he no longer lives in the Manor, choosing instead to bunk in Beryl Suxard’s outhouse in order to be a “proper independent man”.
This is how his time with the LF P&E began:
It remains one of the greatest mysteries of LF that they gave him a job. I think Beryl had a lot to do with the decision…
Nutjob does get that big noggin of his into just about everything. I often wonder if he’s as moronic as he appears, as a lot of doors open for him that wouldn’t for anyone else (and not just because he can use his nose to pick locks). Maybe it’s a charm thing, like the superficial charm of a snail as it doggedly moves down a path, or a vegetable that seems to have a face.
Then he does things like this and I think, yeah, he’s just a cocking dimwit.
This was posted on the LF P&E internal memo service:
The Beverlee referred to therein is non other than Beverlee Suxard - yes, daughter of Beryl herself - and a Trainee Reporter at the paper where she mostly manages the Poodle News. When she saw this “anonymous” post, Beryl responded, which began a haunting exchange on the newspaper staff’s internal system:
At which point the Ed got involved:
I never met Ed during my whole time in the village. I never spoke to anyone who had in fact seen Ed. I only have these transcripts and internal memos that mention an Ed. Rumours abound that Ed might be fictitious and that Beryl was running the paper since the sudden and disturbing death of the former Editor, Accrington Stanley. He was killed at a reenactment of The Siege of Fuckington-on-the-Bellend when a runaway horse entered him going full gallop. A terrible manner of death which is known colloquially as a Stanley Kebabbing.
I will have more from the Ed - regardless of who they might be - in coming posts.
For now, that’s the end of this four-part series. I did warn you.
NEXT TIME…
It’s time you were given the lowdown on the STD that claimed so many during its reign of terror, including yours truly. Arm yourself with one of those extendable scratching tools, you’ll need it.
Benetton