When You Can't Get the Staff Part 2
You give yourself a treat and find a cracking good Hardspank
It’s Part 2. Of 4. You’re halfway there you demented readers!
Let me introduce you to the LF Probe & Examiner’s shiniest reporter. He’s none other than ‘gritty street reporter’ Gary Hardspank who was drafted into the village as it seemed to be swamped by mayhem, murder and muffs. His job: tell us all about it in the most glorious of colour.
As well as reporting in the paper proper, Gary was also given his own web-based column for Local Crime. Here are a couple of posts that show what he was up against.
Two very weird crimes that took place on the same day. Nothing unusual for LF really. The ineptitude of the Little Fuckington Constabulary will be made very clear here and I’ll do a whole post of my own on that shower of shite soon enough.
Now that’s how you report local crime; with some sarcasm, incredulity and glorious colour. I can only imagine that was as eye-opening for you as it was for me. I was there, remember. I spent time with Gary Hardspank in many a pub, trawling through crime scene photos, ever more disturbing images of Bungle we dug up online, as well as Gary’s private collection of Thelma Frontbottom snaps - which we had to look at through a 1970s Viewfinder, due to their sensitive content.
Next, I have one of Gary Hardspank’s Saturday Supplements to share with you. The first edition of Bleeding Out, where he investigates and exposes the reader to horrors unimaginable while they enjoy eggy toast and a nice cuppa. In fairness to Hardspank, this was the first reporting of the crimes of the “serial pervert” mentioned within. It only took a murder to get the Probe & Examiner to show up!
I will, unfortunately, have more from the Serial Pervert in Part 3. The truth will shock you, although probably no more than what Ted Bundy did to that corpsified hipster. Never known a Bichon like it.
That’s all I have for Part 2 and from the tremendous Hardspank, for now. It’s a lot and, quite enough. I’ll be back on Saturday.
NEXT TIME…
I must show you Headcase. A petulant man-child, a narcissistic attention seeker, and a lazy investigator who’s shit with maths.
Until then,
Benetton